New beginnings

Today I went to a work friend's house for a bbq with my husband. We were in the company of my friend (I"ll call her Anne), two ex-colleagues (let's call them Bonnie and Clyde), and Anne's new boo and three kids. I realized some things about beginnings while I was there. I'm going to try to get it out of my head and onto the page so I can figure out what I learned.

First off, I went because I was curious about Anne's new boo. Anne's husband killed himself in March and left her with a 5 year old and twins less than a year old. She's already serious about this new guy (Steve). As her friend I want her to be happy. As a therapist I'm concerned. As her therapist friend I want to shake her by the shoulders. Anne's philosophy is that this terrible horrible thing happened to her and as a result something wonderful must be out there for her. I think she thinks that something wonderful is Steve.

Steve looks JUST like the not so dearly departed. I had seen his picture and knew there were similarities but seeing him up close was a bit disturbing. Ok, a lot disturbing. As a therapist friend I have no idea what to do. For now I will do nothing unless she asks me. I will be supportive. The real question is, is this a new beginning? The therapist in me screams that it's like the raped woman who walks the same alley she was raped in over and over demanding a different outcome. The friend in me says he's probably good in bed and a distraction that Anne really needs. And to be fair, the similarities seem to end at the looks. Although to be objective, I don't know what the dearly departed was like before the depression set in. Either way, it must be scary being an alone mom of three.

Hanging out with Bonnie and Clyde I realized that some friendships, especially work friendships, end at the office door. There's nothing in common. I'm not even sure if I like them as people. I'm quite happy to let these relationships slip out of my life. All of us have to move on.

Clyde wants me to be her "on-call" advice giver. She seems to fancy me some sort of answer oracle. On the one hand I'm flattered and on the other hand I want to say, oh honey, you have no idea. Call Cleo, she'd have better answers for you.

It was funny though, that you work a million hours with someone and you think you know them. When Ian and I got there B&C offered us the tour. I chuckled and said "I've spent many a drunken night here, I know my way around." They looked absolutely scandalized. I could tell that they absolutely thought that they had this unique relationship with Anne and that I was a newly invited outsider. They also probably don't envision me having many drunken nights of anything. Being a therapist can be bad for your public image :)

I had a long talk with MY therapist about my current "neuroses." He assured me that an adjustment period is typical of all newly married couples no matter how long they've lived together. We talked about the societal expectations of marriage and how my definition of myself changed as soon as the word "wife" was added to my adjective list. And I do consider it an adjective as it can only describe me, not BE me.

My expectations for myself have changed, based on my past experiences. My biggest fear is that I fail as a wife as I did in the past. What??? You were never married!!! No, not legally. But I was thrust into the role of wife at a very young age for my own family of origin. A part of me blames myself and my inability to provide for my family as the reason for my parents' unhappiness and my mother's death. Re read the post...I never said I was rational :) As a ten-twenty year old I did a fabulous job. I may have started to slip around 20, but I can't place the blame on myself. Besides, I'm in this one because I want to be.

That's the thing I need to remember as I embark on this new life. I am here because I want to be. Everything I do is voluntary and because I have found someone I love and respect that I want to spend a life with. Nobody is going to die if I don't feed them or wipe their bottom. DYFS isn't taking anyone away if the house isn't clean. Nobody is going to get sick if I don't water down the liquor.

I am lucky to have a man who has very few expectations. Be happy and don't cheat me or on me. That's about it. Anything else I feel I bring to the table myself.

I could talk for hours about other new beginnings in my life, including my move to my new place, but that will have to wait. I is a tired girl.

Thanks for listening.