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Pissed

Getting pissed drunk with co-workers is never a good idea. You start to flirt, then you start to tell them their brown sweater is too tight, but not to stop wearing it because it looks good. Then your husband gets all excited that maybe this will go the way he really wants it to go. After all is said and done you have to go back to work on Monday and deal with the fact that you may never see the brown sweater again :(

And so it goes

So much to say, so much to do.
I"m not even sure what if anything I want to write.
I do want you all to go check out passiveaggressivenotes.com
It's quite entertaining.

To be or not to be...pissed that is.

I am a good wife.
I am kind.
I am caring.
I am considerate.
I agree to live in a frat house so that my husband and I can save money for a house.
I put up with the bitching that everything isn't unpacked yet (never mind that we haven't MOVED everything yet).
I cater to my husband's inner geek and allow him his "game night" where a bunch of his rapidly approaching middle aged friends get together and roll dice and some other crap I don't understand while I sit in my room watching a crappy chick flick forgetting the fact that I have no friends. And I DON'T say anything when the geeks decide to break out the poker set and play what is arguably my passion in life and something my husband could give too shits about...and NOT invite me,

OR

I am a good kind caring and compassionate wife who understands that his husband needs time with his friends and that too much togetherness is not happy-making. I am living in a fairly nice and spacious home ten minutes for my job with friends of Ian's who have adopted me and who i greatly appreciate. i am getting some alone time to watch a chick flick that I have desperately wanted to see and Ian would suffer through only for the after-movie chick flick inspired sex. I don't want to play cards with a bunch of nasty boys, and I have friends, tonight I elected to stay home and catch up on some "me" time.

You decide.

New beginnings

Today I went to a work friend's house for a bbq with my husband. We were in the company of my friend (I"ll call her Anne), two ex-colleagues (let's call them Bonnie and Clyde), and Anne's new boo and three kids. I realized some things about beginnings while I was there. I'm going to try to get it out of my head and onto the page so I can figure out what I learned.

First off, I went because I was curious about Anne's new boo. Anne's husband killed himself in March and left her with a 5 year old and twins less than a year old. She's already serious about this new guy (Steve). As her friend I want her to be happy. As a therapist I'm concerned. As her therapist friend I want to shake her by the shoulders. Anne's philosophy is that this terrible horrible thing happened to her and as a result something wonderful must be out there for her. I think she thinks that something wonderful is Steve.

Steve looks JUST like the not so dearly departed. I had seen his picture and knew there were similarities but seeing him up close was a bit disturbing. Ok, a lot disturbing. As a therapist friend I have no idea what to do. For now I will do nothing unless she asks me. I will be supportive. The real question is, is this a new beginning? The therapist in me screams that it's like the raped woman who walks the same alley she was raped in over and over demanding a different outcome. The friend in me says he's probably good in bed and a distraction that Anne really needs. And to be fair, the similarities seem to end at the looks. Although to be objective, I don't know what the dearly departed was like before the depression set in. Either way, it must be scary being an alone mom of three.

Hanging out with Bonnie and Clyde I realized that some friendships, especially work friendships, end at the office door. There's nothing in common. I'm not even sure if I like them as people. I'm quite happy to let these relationships slip out of my life. All of us have to move on.

Clyde wants me to be her "on-call" advice giver. She seems to fancy me some sort of answer oracle. On the one hand I'm flattered and on the other hand I want to say, oh honey, you have no idea. Call Cleo, she'd have better answers for you.

It was funny though, that you work a million hours with someone and you think you know them. When Ian and I got there B&C offered us the tour. I chuckled and said "I've spent many a drunken night here, I know my way around." They looked absolutely scandalized. I could tell that they absolutely thought that they had this unique relationship with Anne and that I was a newly invited outsider. They also probably don't envision me having many drunken nights of anything. Being a therapist can be bad for your public image :)

I had a long talk with MY therapist about my current "neuroses." He assured me that an adjustment period is typical of all newly married couples no matter how long they've lived together. We talked about the societal expectations of marriage and how my definition of myself changed as soon as the word "wife" was added to my adjective list. And I do consider it an adjective as it can only describe me, not BE me.

My expectations for myself have changed, based on my past experiences. My biggest fear is that I fail as a wife as I did in the past. What??? You were never married!!! No, not legally. But I was thrust into the role of wife at a very young age for my own family of origin. A part of me blames myself and my inability to provide for my family as the reason for my parents' unhappiness and my mother's death. Re read the post...I never said I was rational :) As a ten-twenty year old I did a fabulous job. I may have started to slip around 20, but I can't place the blame on myself. Besides, I'm in this one because I want to be.

That's the thing I need to remember as I embark on this new life. I am here because I want to be. Everything I do is voluntary and because I have found someone I love and respect that I want to spend a life with. Nobody is going to die if I don't feed them or wipe their bottom. DYFS isn't taking anyone away if the house isn't clean. Nobody is going to get sick if I don't water down the liquor.

I am lucky to have a man who has very few expectations. Be happy and don't cheat me or on me. That's about it. Anything else I feel I bring to the table myself.

I could talk for hours about other new beginnings in my life, including my move to my new place, but that will have to wait. I is a tired girl.

Thanks for listening.

Beauty at any size

I got married on Saturday and the day was perfect. The weather, which I had finally 'let go and let God' was awesome. It was a bit hot but it was beautifully clear. Not a raindrop in site. My gown fit wonderfully and my hair and makeup did exactly what I wanted it too. The girls dresses all fit, and nobody's hem was crooked (I sewed them all myself). All the groomsmen showed and no one was late. Everyone lined up and then something really funny happened.

We got married on top of a hill at our college in front of a large stone arch. Just before the groomsmen were going to walk down the aisle to the arch a huge crane carrying a tree flew it's way up the hill and toward the arch. I hear a rousing "NO" and see my bridesmaids running at me to keep it out of my sight, I seriously thought Ian had decided to book. I'm hoping someone got a picture.

The rest of the ceremony was beautiful although I don't remember any of it. The reception was spectacular. I smiled, danced and had my picture taken a million times. No doubt I will hate every picture.

I am a big woman and it NEVER bothers me until I see a picture. I just don't think the pictures get it right. I've been told that there is a vitality and a sexuality there that never quite comes through. I consider myself attractive even beautiful. Is it that it can't be contained on paper or is it that what I see looking back at me is a reflection of those parts of my soul that I keep covered?

Anyway, enough dwelling on that. True to form the wedding went so well that I'm looking all around me for catastrophe. I decided not to let that win out and went and got my hair done today. Now I just need to go out somewhere so I don't waste it :) Hurry home husband!

Conspiracy

Ian and I decided to go out tonight and talk finances about the wedding. I figured he couldn't hurt me in a public place. (just kidding, the in-laws are up and I wanted a semi-private discussion.) So first we decide to go to Perkins. Dark. Then Cold Stone. Dark. I was starting to think that either the universe didn't want me to talk to Ian about the wedding planning or the universe didn't want me to eat ice cream. We finally got to go to Maggie Moos where we discussed wedding finances among screaming children. I'm a big fan of chocolate better batter, btw.

So, we're going to be broke for about three weeks, but that's not a big deal. We'll manage it I think. I think.

I vote for Universal Marriage Care.

:)